A long time ago, I wrote a series on commonly seen “mind games” that I’d encountered as both a player and a judge. There were quite a few of them, but most were annoying little tricks that didn’t violate tournament policies.

However, I’ve seen an increase in activity lately that too many players are classifying as “mind games,” but instead are actions that can potentially get you thrown out of the tournament. I constantly bemoan the fact that so many players who consider themselves well beyond the beginner stage have yet to read any policy documents or penalty guidelines, and subsequently set themselves up for really stupid game losses incurred by poor behavior.

If you want to enter a tournament just to lose, you can do that just by reaching into your card box and scooping out a random stack of 80 cards, then signing up. I don’t see many people doing that on purpose. It’s no smarter to head into an event without bothering to find out if the funny little tricks you read about on the Internet to “mess with your opponent’s game” are going to get you into trouble. Do yourself a favor, and if you still have not done so, go read the UDE policy documents. They can be found here. Do it now. We’ll wait.

Next, never assume that just because something you’re planning to do is not explicitly discussed in the document, that you’re in the clear. It wouldn’t do to underestimate the new and bizarre tricks that the average player can get up to, and that’s why there are so many blanket rules in UDE’s policies: so we can adapt to cover an obvious piece of out-of-line behavior when it appears.

Here’s a list (by no means comprehensive) of some forbidden things that often pass for “mind games” among players. And yes, these are all tactics that I’ve either personally witnessed or heard espoused as a good way to get an edge on your opponent.

Looking at the cards in your deck, unless directed to do so by an effect.

For crying out loud, of course you can’t do this! Whether you go for the next card to be drawn or one halfway down the stack, deliberately looking at the cards in your deck without an effect directing you to do so is cheating. You’d think that everyone would know that, but surprisingly, some still think that this is just another little trick to give you a leg up on your opponent. It will! That’s why it’s called cheating! If you’re caught deliberately looking at the cards in your deck, you will probably be disqualified. Don’t believe anyone who tries to tell you it will only get you a warning. A warning is what you get when it’s accidental, like picking up four cards instead of three for [Graceful Charity]. If you do it on purpose, you’re in for some serious trouble—and don’t think you can pass it off as an accident for very long, either. Judges know the difference.

Wearing headphones while you duel.

Most judges will not allow the use of headphones, earpieces, or other devices on the tournament floor. Hearing aids are allowed, of course, but you shouldn’t wear your iPod, cell phone earpiece, or anything similar. There are all kinds of ways that these kinds of things can be abused, so if you figure that your blaring music and rocking-out motions will give you an edge on your opponent, you need to come up with a different strategy. You always need to hear what your opponent is saying about the game, and you should always be paying attention to his or her actions. No headphones. It’s a game-loss offense at some events—pay attention to the player meeting and in-between round announcements made by the judges. Hmm, you say you didn’t hear them because you were playing with your headphones on? Doesn’t seem like a very good excuse, does it?

Using electronic devices (other than calculators) during the duel.

Don’t use your Blackberry, PSP, DS, or another non-calculator electronic device while you’re dueling. Maybe you’re hoping to look so unbearably cool and together that you don’t even need to pay attention to the duel. Instead, a judge will most likely come by and tell you to put the gizmo away, and probably give you a penalty to boot. Most judges do not allow the use of these kinds of things during a match. It’s pointless, and it distracts from the game. Don’t set yourself up to be made an example of, and put away all electronic devices for the duration of the match.

Using your cell phone during the duel.

That includes text messaging as well as talking. Many players use their cell phone as a calculator, and that’s fine, but you should not take any calls or send any messages during the duel. If you need to take a call, answer it, and find out if it’s an emergency. If it isn’t, tell the person they’ll need to call back, as you are in the middle of a duel. How you’ll explain yourself later to your girlfriend who didn’t know you played, I can’t tell you. But I can tell you not to sit at the table and carry on a conversation with someone else. It’s rude and it can very easily be abused in a tournament setting.

Excessive, distracting chatter.

You should communicate what you’re doing throughout the duel, and there’s nothing wrong with the occasional pleasantry while playing. But constant babbling done deliberately to rattle or annoy your opponent is not appropriate. It’s one thing to pretend you’re a character on the TV show to make your teammates laugh. It’s another thing to anime it up to your opponents to the point where they want to strangle you. It eats up time in the round, and it creates noise and disturbance for everyone around you. That falls under distracting behavior, and if you keep it up (and it’s obvious you are trying to mess with your opponent), a judge is going to step in. If you continue to be a noisy nuisance after you get a warning, you’re probably looking at an unsporting conduct penalty, and those can get severe, depending on how much of a disturbance you’re creating on the floor.

Mimic a disability.

Judges have next to no patience with this kind of display. It’s distracting to the tournament as a whole, and it’s wildly offensive behavior in general. If you are deliberately mimicking a disability of some sort to try and throw off your opponent, you’ll probably head straight into unsportsmanlike conduct: a major penalty, especially at a premiere event. There isn’t an excuse for this kind of behavior in any circumstances. It’s childish, insensitive, and insulting.

Excessive trash-talking or profanity.

Insulting your opponent and swearing a lot isn’t a mind game. It’s straight-up unsportsmanlike conduct, and it will be treated as such. Depending on the venue, TO, judges, and the specific nature of the comments, you might begin with a warning or you might go straight to disqualification. Don’t get baited into responding when you’re faced with an opponent who resorts to this kind of behavior: you might easily be the one letting loose a jaw-dropper of a comeback right when the judge walks by. Opponents who cross the line with this kind of behavior should have a judge called on them, if none are nearby. It’s not a “cheap win,” it’s keeping inappropriate behavior out of the tournament.

Intentionally offensive behavior.

I’ve seen (and heard) players indulging in all kinds of noxious little habits in order to gross out, freak out, or distract their opponents. Doing things like picking your nose or scratching your rear and then trying to touch your opponent’s cards or shake his or her hand is disruptive and unsportsmanlike (not to mention disgusting), and carries serious repercussions. Intentional, excessively boorish behavior isn’t tolerated by the event staff, so don’t make the mistake of thinking that the judges will be too embarrassed by your obnoxiousness to do something about it. Trust me, they will. I’ve never yet seen a player actually washed out of an event hall with a fire hose, but I know the temptation exists.