Every time Bob Ross painted a cloud on public television, he would claim that it was a “happy little cloud,” a claim I thought dubious at best. As a Pittsburgh native, I find clouds neither happy nor little. They actually take pleasure in the suffering they inflict upon the denizens of Pittsburgh (and London for that matter) by consistently blotting out the sun and showering us with varying forms of precipitation. Unfortunately, no one ever listens when I inform them of the immense danger that clouds present, claiming that all the school work I’ve had lately has finally cracked my grip on reality. Even if that’s true, it doesn’t change the fact that the clouds are out to get us. It’s only a matter of time, and this week’s deck will prove it. You see, this high altitude plot has been in the works for some time now, and phase one of the assault has already begun . . .  in cardboard form.

Back at the Gladiator’s Assault Sneak Preview, I saw nothing but contempt for the Cloudian monsters and their support. For a brief moment, I thought that the people had finally come around to my way of thinking and realized the threat clouds pose to us, but when I inquired as to whether or not this was the case, they simply laughed and said that their complaints stemmed from the “lackluster effects” and “inconsistency” of the Cloudian cards. Clearly, these people had no idea exactly what they were dealing with. You see, the major advantage that the clouds have over us is that they’re largely immaterial. If you attack a cloud, you go straight through it and the cloud remains unharmed. The same goes for the Cloudian monsters. With a few exceptions, as long as you have a Cloudian in attack position, it can’t be destroyed by battle. Sure, any excess damage will still overflow onto your life points, but there’s a comical abundance of ways to make that a non-issue. The most obvious of these is the continuous trap Spirit Barrier! As long as that card is in play, you can’t take battle damage while you control a monster. Back when it first released, a number of people tried using it in a combo with Astral Barrier, but why bother trying to keep two continuous traps out at the same time when there’s an impressive number of battle-immune monsters waiting in the wings to keep Spirit Barrier working? Similarly, you could use Clock Tower Prison to make yourself completely immune to battle damage regardless of whether or not you control a monster. Sure, that’s cool and all, but it has to make it through four of your standby phases in order to take effect! I don’t . . . I mean, the clouds don’t have that kind of time to wait around before becoming invincible.

Fortunately, there is a solution! Most of the Cloudians are Fairy-type monsters, and that grants the Cloudian player instant protection from another field spell, The Sanctuary in the Sky. Now that the player and his of her monsters are safe from battle-related harm, how might this be exploited to win the game? This week’s deck tells all. The future is now.

Monsters: 17

3 Cloudian - Altus

3 Cloudian - Cirrostratus

3 Cloudian - Acid Cloud

3 Cloudian - Sheep Cloud

3 Zeradias - Herald of Heaven

1 Sangan

1 Marshmallon

Spells: 8

3 The Sanctuary in the Sky

3 Final Countdown

1 Scapegoat

1 Card Destruction

Traps: 15

3 Spirit Barrier

3 Dark Bribe

3 Solemn Judgment

3 Forced Back

3 Divine Wrath

Now do you see how devious the Cloudians can be? Their non-corporeality makes for the ultimate stall engine! All those other cards are there to give you kinder, gentler options that are less likely to make your friends want to bash you with a chair. They don’t even have to lift a finger against their opponents. Just pay 2000 life points, and wait it out for 20 turns.

Like other Final Countdown variants, one of the first issues you face with this deck is getting to one of your copies of Countdown. As there are precious few reliable ways to search it out (the most effective of which is the current Shonen Jump Championship prize card Gold Sarcophagus), we can once again call upon the Cloudian lock to slow things down while we find a copy. Failing that, the Cloudians have their own methods of slowing things down (and generating tribute material for that matter) with Cloudian - Sheep Cloud. Once you’ve gotten a hold of your Countdown, your goal is to not to have it negated. This could be a problem due to Dark Bribe, but then again, anyone can play Dark Bribe. Anyone can play Solemn Judgment as well, and that gives you free reign to choose the time at which you activate Final Countdown. Normally, the negation issue is only a problem when you’re facing Comic Odyssey burn decks, but then again, that matchup is going to be your biggest problem anyway due to Wave-Motion Cannon and Skill Drain. Unfortunately, in game 1 you’re probably going to lose if the opponent finds Skill Drain or Wave-Motion Cannon. Consider it a huge blow to the nefarious plans of clouds everywhere. In games 2 and 3, you’ll likely want to side deck your own spell and trap removal to get rid of those problem cards. However, in most matchups you should be able to lock things up quite nicely.

Given how simple it is to lock your opponents out of the battle phase, it’s only fair that it be quite difficult to lock them out of the rest of their phases. Monster removal is the main thing that will shut down your protection, and the worst case scenarios tend to involve Raiza the Storm Monarch and Phoenix Wing Wind Blast. Obviously, that simply won’t do at all, so I’ve packed the deck to the brim with counter traps. As always, Dark Bribe is a nice catch-all for any spell or trap your opponent is likely to throw at you, while the finger-pointing Solemn Judgment is the universal symbol for “NO.” Forced Back should be enough to keep Monarchs off your tail for a turn or two, and given that you’re attempting to win by Final Countdown, a turn or two may be all you need.

Where the trap line-up really stands out, though, is in Divine Wrath. While it may cost you a card in hand, it’ll negate any monster effect that goes on the chain. Also, keep in mind that you aren’t really going to be playing too many cards once you’ve set the lock up, making that one card in hand a lot less relevant than it would be otherwise. The reliance on continuous effects and spell speed 3 cards over more traditional spells and traps also keeps Light and Darkness Dragon at bay, which (if I’m to believe the deluge of emails I get about the card every week) will be both legal and popular at the upcoming Shonen Jump Championship in San Mateo.

The Cloudians themselves also have effects that come in handy if you can get enough of them onto the field. Keep in mind that the tokens generated by Cloudian - Sheep Cloud are Cloudian tokens, and not simply Cloud tokens. That means that when you normal summon Altus, Cirrostratus, or Acid Cloud, they also get a Fog Counter for each Cloudian token you still have. Let’s say that your opponent attacks Sheep Cloud with a monster, then sets a spell or trap and ends. You have your two tokens, and no matter which of the Counter-using Cloudians you summon, it will gain enough Fog Counters to use its effect once. It’s especially important to remember that you have these effects, since they are your only source of spell, trap, or monster removal during game 1.

Remember, you . . . I mean clouds are only invincible in theory. It takes only one thing gone wrong to tear a strategy apart, and this one is no exception. If at all possible, never try to blow away a face-down spell or trap card. This will almost certainly result in a chained Phoenix Wing Wind Blast ruining your day. If you do have protection against Heavy Storm, do double up on The Sanctuary in the Sky and Spirit Barrier. Since it’s impossible to guarantee that you’ll always have a counter for that Raiza or Wing Blast, it’s important to make sure that your opponent hitting one of those cards isn’t enough to disrupt your lock. Remember, the clouds are tough, but they aren’t invincible. Use the Cloudians to make your friends aware of the dangers that clouds present, and until next time, play hard, play fair, and most importantly, have fun!

Jerome McHale

jcmchale@andrew.cmu.edu

NEXT WEEK: it’s amazing what kind of inspiration one receives when one is building under a time constraint.