We’re getting down to the nitty-gritty, folks. Two of the game’s biggest names are about to pummel each other for your reading pleasure: Doug “The Ticeman” Tice vs. Andre “The Mule” Muller. Pull up a chair and refresh the page; here come The Beats!

Game 1: Tunak, Tunak, Tun!!!

The Mule won the roll and chose evens. Did anyone choose odds this weekend? An inane question that will haunt us for at least another 20 minutes.

“Good game. Evens are huge.” – Ticeman

Turn 1:

Ticeman dropped Electric Eve, who wrestled with Archangel, Angel.

Turn 2:

Shadowcat, Katya got tagged in for The Mule. Ticeman deployed Tar Baby in front of Eve. The combat was fast and furiously inconsequential.

-Kitty into Eve, evaded.

-Kitty into the Baby, stunsies.

-The Angel of Death swooped in for 2.

44-42, Ticeman

Turn 3:

Ticeman began a complex recruit step: Xorn, flipped Mutopia teaming X-Men/Morlocks, set Eve Behind Xorn – PASSED.

Not to be outdone in a foreign land, The Mule set Annalee in the hidden and formed with Kitty behind Angel. WOW!

Xorn came off the top rope, dropping the elbow on Angel. Muley responded by moving the always useful Annalee into the visible zone, triggering her effect and targeting Xorn. Ticey flipped The Forsaken, teaming up randomly and replacing before it could ever matter. The replacement gave Xorn just enough of a DEF boost to make an angel cry. Smooth move, brother!

With no other outs, Muller reinforced with Katya. The titanic twosome, Tar Baby and Electric Eve, pulled a pair of chairs from underneath the ring and “Con-chair-toed” the stuffing out of the now visibly available Annalee. OWNED!

Anna and Baby stunned, and Eve stunned herself to provide the juice for some recovery phase tomfoolery. Xorn, The Alley and Eve combined to bring The Mule down to 33.

Turn 4:

The Mule emptied the locker room, calling out Dazzler, Rock Star, Pyro, Freedom Force and the Kleinstock Brothers. Tables, Ladders and Chairs! Always Chairs! In an act of uncompromising defiance, Bishop, XSE Commando came to the aid of the Ticeman. Bishop is from the future folks. He fears no Chair.

Muller was looking for some payback. Lots of fun, interesting and complexly technical maneuvers occurred on this turn. I wrote them all down, but it’s the end of the day and I have a severe crick in my neck. So let me just say this: Characters attacked, characters became stunned. Plot twists were played and people became flustered. All this action before recovery! I wish you could have seen it!

Muller closed the gap between $10K trophy dreams and that long sullen flight to Atlanta.

27-20, Ticeman

Turn 5:

Ticeman had the initiative. He was looking to put it away this turn. Would the fearsome German tap out?

Ticeman dropped the Marrow bomb. The Mule knew it was over. He scooped it up and the Bitter Rivals were on to Game 2.

Doug Tice took Game 1.

Game 2:

“I figured that evens doesn’t do anything.” – Muller

Tice could only offer a nod. Infinite shuffling followed. 10 minutes later, Game 2 began.

Turn 1:

A predictable Eve form Tice prompted an ironic “who else?” from The Mule. Muller played Lockheed and traded stuns with Tice.

Turn 2:

Muller recruited Shadowcat, Katya and pointed to Tice, signaling the obvious pass. Just in case you didn’t see it, Muller hit the “Thematic Homerun” with the turn 1 Lockheed, turn 2 Shadowcat. Impressive. Tice’s play was underwhelming to say the least. Tommy. Definitely not a tech move.

The Ticeman got smashed this turn, yet still managed to get in a couple with The Evil Eye and keep his board. Evasion must be the greatest new mechanic ever! Thanks R&D!

Turn 3:

Tice with Healer, Muller with Beast. Healer practiced bad medicine on Lockheed while Eve and Tommy jumped Kitty. Beast sat idle, allowing his X-Buddies to take the bulk of the hits.

Beast was apparently cowering for a reason. In the recovery, Muller used his ability to grab a nifty little gadget called an Image Inducer. Sadly, the homerun streak was over when Kitty was saved while Lockheed went into the KO’d pile.

45-33, Muller

Turn 4:

Muller came out of the bunker this turn, bringing along Plague and Crimson Commando and setting up in an offensive formation. Muller passed. Tice laid a resource and attempted to play a drop when Muller cursed himself. Apparently, he forgot to play the aforementioned Image Inducer.

“Well, you can save it for next turn.” – The Ticeman

Tice threw down a Feral and activated The Alley with gusto!

“That’s good.” – The Mule, not amused.

Attack phase: Commando into Feral with Kill or Be Killed and Wundagore Citadel. Tice thought for a second and decided not to reinforce and take it all. Feral got flipped and Mule’s troops all got the +1/+1 bonus. Beast headed into savage Healer. Healer drained Commando’s essence before evading with the rest of his Morlock buddies. Seizing the moment, Muller sent the team in riding on wheelchairs for 16!

26-20, Muller

Turn 5:

Dougie unleashed the mob: Artie, Angel Dust, 1 point for Dust, 1 for Healer and 1 for Feral. Muller paused to do the math before his recruit. His men appeared to be surrounded.

“You kill me now right?” – Muller

“Think so.” – Tice

Muller scoffed and gave an expression that could mean, “Not so fast, Ticeman!” The Mule recruited Silver Sabre and Archangel, Angel behind Beast and Shadowcat with Plague safely in the hidden zone.

Tommy, Eve and Angel Dust tripled-up on Beast, resolving in the double flippies. Feral called for Sabre and got the stun. The Team Tactics resumed with a little Artie/Healer action into the delicate Ms. Pryde.

Attempting to salvage his ravaged board, Muller passed with a ready Plague.

Recovery

19-15, Tice

Turn 6:

Muller: Stonewall and the Kleinstock Brothers. He shoved everyone to the front row for the final push.

Tice: Bishop, XSE Commando, Mutopia teamed X-Men/Morlocks, paid 2 resource points for Feral and Healer. Defensive Formation.

Muller thought hard about his attack order. It all came down to the first exchange. Muller declared Archangel (equipped with the Image Inducer) into Healer. Legal. Muller flipped X-Corp, Amsterdam and KO’d it to grab Planet X. Muller flipped the planet and named Brotherhood/Morlocks. He replaced the team-up and gave a little attack bonus to Archangel, whose attack was now exactly 6. The play was all or nothing.  

Tice nods. He flipped The Forsaken from his row and replaced it to give Healer a 7 defense. Whiff. Muller grimaced and then offers the handshake.

The Ticeman won in 2! Will there be an all-Chairs final? Stay tuned, Metagamers!