Gabe Walls and Tillman Bragg came into round 16 with five losses apiece. Buddies and teammates, these guys know exactly what they’re playing for. “We’re playing for ‘Top 8 Dinner,’” Walls said. When I asked for the explanation, he informed me that the members of The Donkey Club (TDC) that make Top 8 have to buy dinner for the members that didn’t tonight after the tournament. “At Indy, the bill was something like $1,800. Unreal.”
As we waited for the match to start, fellow Metagame.com reporter and notorious member of Vs. System R&D, Patrick “I Make Hits” Sullivan, initiated an impromptu game of “Roller Derby Thunderdome.” Sullivan took the decidedly sinister bash-from-behind approach with this reporter. I was able to overpower him and even things up in the mid-game. Realizing that we were both evenly matched, we turned our weapons of mass destruction (cool chairs with wheels) on feature match judge Dave Humpherys. Hump had no clue and took some serious bash damage when Sullivan and I slammed into him at breathtaking speeds (>1MPH). Hump had enough and quickly exited the area.
When Gabe joined in, the match was over. Gabe Walls 1: Sullivan & Zonos 0. Could Gabe come through with a similar performance in his upcoming feature match? The following is a conversation that took place during the Walls vs. Bragg match:
Gabe took odds and then immediately snatched the beanie off my head.
Gabe: “I like this hat, where did you get it?”
Me: “My sister gave it to me.”
Gabe: “Must be nice.”
Gabe played a Moloids on turn 1 and passed. Tillman had nothing.
Gabe: “Mole-LOID!”
On turn 2, Tillman recruited Franklin Richards, Creator of Counter-Earth.
Gabe: “What’s it like just being the dumbest?”
Tillman shrugged while Gabe recruited Dr. Minerva and hit a Mar-Vell ◊ Captain Marvel, Soldier of the Empire. Tillman passed and took 4 to the face.
Tillman: “Surge him up!”
After the turn 3 draw, Tillman did not look happy.
Tillman: “Oh noes.”
Gabe: “You missing? You got there. It must be unreal lucky to get there every time.”
Gabe recruited the Marvel and says, “Go.”
Tillman: “Time to under-draaaaaaawp.”
Gabe: “Ha-ha, Tillman missed! Unrealistic!”
Tillman did indeed under-drop with the 2-drop Destroyer, Soulless Juggernaut. He hid him with Franklin and took 9 to the face from Gabe’s growing board. On the swing back, Tillman sent the Destroyer into Minerva for the stun.
Tillman: “I’m very sad. I missed my 3-drop.”
Gabe: "You hit the nuts!”
Tillman: “Yeah, I under-drop and my opponent hits his 1, 2, 3.”
Tillman sent Franklin into the Moloids. In the recovery, Gabe flipped For the Glory of Doom and KO’d the Moloids to burn Tillman for 2.
Gabe: “Burn your donkey face.”
On turn 4, both Donkeys let out an “EWWW” after looking at their sub-par hands. Tillman used terraform to put Attilan in his row.
Gabe: “What did you pick up?”
Tillman: “Not telling.”
Gabe: “You are such a donkey.”
Both players recruited Morg, Corrupt Destroyer but Gabe had Valeria Von Doom as well.
Tillman: “I missed my 3-drop, what if I still beat you?”
Gabe: “Dude, you had the nuts on 2. Franklin is the nuts!”
At the start of his attack step, Tillman asked Gabe for a favor.
Tillman: “Let me think.”
Gabe: “No thinking in this game . . . just pass. I’m gonna demolish you next turn.”
Tillman: “You are?”
Gabe: “Obviously. Look how awesome my guys are and how terrible your guys are.”
Gabe turns to me and says, “Tillman is the slowest player in the Donkey Club and it’s not even close.”
Tillman: “Not even close.”
Gabe: “He’s also one of the three Donkeys without a Top 8. Unrealistic.”
Tillman teamed his characters up with The Herald Ordeal and then sent his Destroyer into Morg with Relentless Onslaught for the mutual stun. Then his Morg went into Minerva. Tillman flipped a Taa II, an Attilan, and an It’s Slobberin’ Time for what could be massive breakthrough. His entire row was now face-up.
Gabe: “It’s not over? Let me see your row—just hand me the cards.”
Tillman did, and Gabe took the cards into hand and studied them thoroughly. Handing Tillman back his resource row, Gabe flipped a Penal Colony to bounce Minerva back to hand and cancel the attack. Tillman was flustered. He sent the wayward Morg into the 3-drop Marvel for the mutual stun. They both kept their Morgs, and Tillman searched for a card with Attilan.
On turn 5, Gabe recruited his 5-drop with a low “ALL-tronnnn.”
Gabe: “Man, I had him till he flipped all that . . . he cleared my board.”
Tillman recruited Black Bolt, King of the Inhumans.
Gabe sent his Morg into the opposing Morg but was bounced when Tillman played an Absorba Shield from the row, discarding a 4-cost character. Gabe was unable to match his discard.
Tillman: “Like that? I get to search for my rare with my rare.”
Gabe: “Yeah, I passed you that deck, donkey.”
Ultron ◊ Ultron 11 attacked Tillman’s Morg and got the mutual stun. Tillman took the initiative and went straight to the face for 11 with Black Bolt and Franklin. Gabe KO’d Ultron with For the Glory of Doom for 2 burn and got him back at the start of the recovery. Again, Tillman searched his deck with Attilan.
Gabe: “Unrealistic . . . search much? Stop shuffling, you’re not gonna use your deck again!”
Tillman: “I might!”
Gabe: “Durr-Durr-Durk.”
On turn 6, Tillman played The Fallen One, and Gabe played Minerva again, netting either an Iron Man, Illuminati or a Moloids.
Tillman: “Iron Man or Moloids—these are some tough ones, folks.”
Gabe was laughing too hard to respond with his usual acerbic wit.
Gabe: “I’ll take Moloids.”
Gabe finished his recruit by flooding the board with Doom-Bot Corps, Moloids, and Armies of Doom to get another Doom-Bot. Gabe placed his entire team in the back except for Morg, who stood in front of the Moloids.
Tillman: “Well, I’m gonna have to think about my attacks now.”
Gabe: “I have one card. One card. But Tillman will take another ten minutes to play around it. This is what happens when he uses his brain.”
Tillman used his brain, rapping his fingers rhythmically against the table. Time was called.
Humphreys: “You guys have two minutes still.”
Gabe: “You’ve got two minutes!”
Humphreys sighed, then slunk away. Finally out of the tank, Tillman sent Morg into Morg for the double stun. Franklin into Moloids was met by a brickwall from Gabe with the The Infamous Seven.
Tillman: “That’s the card I was playing around.”
Gabe: “Yeah, obv.”
Micheal Jacob had just finished his feature match and strolled over to talk about it with his teammates.
Jacob: “He won the die roll.”
Gabe: “Yeah, so did he.”
As Tillman pondered his next move, Gabe scooped up his cards and said, “Alright, I can’t take this.”
Gabe: “I got brickwalled last turn. I had to stun your board.”
Tillman: “Yeah, I have some brickwall stuff in this deck.”
Gabe: “Want a cookie?”
Tillman Bragg Wins!